Fearing death

I am a sinner but made righteous by the blood of Christ. I know I will be with my Savior if I die. I should have no fear. Yet, I fear death knocking on my door when I was wheeled into the operation theatre. Why? Because I am living in a fallen where I cannot let go the idols in my life - my children and my husband. I know God will still love me despite me feeling this way.

I was feeling very apprehensive weeks prior to my bunion surgery. I tried to have lunch with my busy husband but in the end we settled for a family dinner at home. We hardly have a sit down family dinner during the weekday. Sad huh?

The night before my surgery, the boys said a prayer each for me. It was very heartening. I told them that I would be away for a night at the hospital. They showered me with they kisses. So generous they were! Theodore even made PaPa kissed me. I said, "Be good. Listen to God and obey your PaPa." I don't know if that would be my parting words if the day comes.

At the hospital admission center, I told PaPa, "I don't want to die. Can I don't donate my organs (joking)". PaPa gave me this "what-are-you-talking-about-silly-woman look". I just smiled.

I reminded him to stay alert with phone calls in case the hospital called him for emergency.

Thankfully, the operation went well. I realize as I grow older I do not like to go for operation unlike my younger days. Including this bunion surgery, I had a total of 8 surgeries under GA! That's a lot considering that I am 40 year old!

I should remind myself to treasure all the moments I have with my children and my family. I seriously think I take them for granted.

Actually death can occur any time. It doesn't have to be on the operation table. Am I ready? I don't think so. Though at times, I can be very light hearted and say, "What is there to be afraid of? Death is the beginning of heavenly life". But truly, deep down, I am not ready. Perhaps I should pen down my last words. I definitely needs lots of prayers.